The journey to discover the beauty within.

I’d always thought that my unhappiness was due to my weight, hence I went on a journey of weight loss. After losing 54 kgs I would have thought I’d be happy, but it turns out I wasn’t.

Instead of the morbidly obese person that I had disliked and hid from, I was left with a size 10 frame of bones and loose skin. Looking at myself was a mission.

You see I had connected being beautiful with being thin, being a 'normal' weight. Being attractive meant being a size 10. When I hit my goal weight I struggled with the fact that I still wasn’t happy. But why? I was now classed as normal, but I didn’t feel beautiful or attractive. There were no more doctors commenting on my weight, no more taunts from strangers in the street that I was fat. I am able to shop from most stores for clothes and they are so much cheaper. But why was I still not happy with myself? My beautiful partner tells me each and every day that I am beautiful but I could never see it. My response is always that I am just me.

In the past, I couldn’t see past being fat. You have a pretty face, pitty about the rest mentality. In the present, I couldn’t see past the loose skin. That then lead to looking into having surgery to remove the loose skin. Would this make me happy? At first, the answer was yes, so I started saving and researching plastic surgeons. Looking hundreds of other people before and after photos. They were scary, the scars, the painful recovery.

Reflecting on where I was in my journey I discovered that everything I had tried in the search of seeing myself as beautiful was all superficial. It was the outside that I was so focused on. The physical appearance. What I needed to do was look inside and that scared the utter shit out of me. The thought of battling the negative mindset that was inside of me. The inner wolf had always been the one fed negativity. That inner wolf took my confidence away, that inner wolf always rose up when I saw a glimmer of seeing my real true beauty.

The path of changing those connections in the brain is hard and I may only be at the beginning of the self-love journey. The steps forward have been both intimidating, yet positive. The journey to discover the beauty within.

In April an opportunity was presented to me - a boudoir shoot. Doing the boudoir photoshoot was an amazing opportunity for me as part of this journey to truly embrace the work I had been doing on me, the inner me. It was also a moment where I left behind the stress of the past few months and health issues and truly focused on me. I had the opportunity to work with an amazing photographer or should I say, an artist. Marina made me comfortable from the beginning, the first meeting she was open, honest, funny, understanding, patient and listened intently to my journey as if she was capturing exactly who I was in preparation for the photoshoot.

When asked to think about where I’d like to have the shoot my mind kept playing between beach or bush. I knew I didn’t want to be inside and I knew that I have a strong connection to water. Marina had the perfect location in mind that gave me both the beach with sand and the waves crashing but also rocks which to me symbolised the bush. The perfect location with its own little river straight from the ocean.

Preparing for the photoshoot was a mixed bag of emotions. I found myself constantly looking in the mirror, looking at myself at different angels. Worrying about the unknown... what will I look like? How can I hide my lumps and bumps of loose skin? Will there be people around? I decided right then and there to make the day about me and do things that sat high in my values. In the morning I sat and reflected on myself... what do I like about me, what don’t I like, what can I change. It wasn’t a reflection on the outside but rather the inside. I found gratitude for myself. I had my hair done, ate well and gave myself plenty of time just to centre myself in preparation.

On the day of the boudoir photoshoot, I was nervous. I remember the chatting we did in the car but my mind kept racing forward to the boudoir session and being half-naked/ naked on a beach. The thoughts of who would see, what would they think. I remember walking over the rocks following behind Marina. My legs were physically shaking whilst trying to keep my balance walking to the location. Marina did an amazing job keeping me present. It was almost like she could sense when I was uncomfortable and she would use her witty humour to make me laugh and completely forget the feelings I had. It’s weird how laughing can instantly change you. I remember the moment that I was asked if I wanted to go fully naked. My insides were shaking and for a moment, I felt the word no coming up. In that second, my inner voice said just give it everything! And I did. The nerves were still there, but it was the most amazing feeling. It was liberating. Here I was naked on the beach and people saw. People saw me there naked and no one seemed to care. No one looked in disgust, nothing was said. They just glanced over and kept on their way. Then and there a new connection in the brain was made, I must be ok.

After the boudoir photography session, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I felt a new kind of confidence and I was so excited that I said yes. I felt a new feeling and that was being comfortable in my own skin.

The day finally arrived when I could view my photos. The nerves were present and I was anxious to see how they turned out.

Looking at the photos was an emotional experience. My first reaction was that I could not believe that the beautiful woman I was viewing in the photos was me. I was fascinated by her smile and her eyes. I didn’t see what I used to, the dimpled legs and bum, saggy boobs and loose skin seem to disappear and I saw ME for the first time.

I saw a beautiful, strong woman. And that woman is me.

I would wholeheartedly recommend to anyone who is on a journey to discover themselves, no matter what stage of the journey you are at to book in for a session. The feeling of being vulnerable is a part of this journey. Emotions are a signal of change, and without them, you are going nowhere.

My advice for anyone who is looking into doing a boudoir session is to just do it, go with the flow, put trust into those around you and just say yes!!!